how much does 100lbs weigh?

*written 4 weeks ago – currently down 6.6 lbs since starting weight watchers*

100lbs is directly proportional to the amount of crud i’ve been through the last 3-4 years. anyone who knows me well knows that there has been a lot of change some for the good and some for the not so very good at all. thing is i eat like some people drink, or shop, or game, or run, or smoke – anything that takes your mind off the here and now and orbits you into a big blur of white noise. i’m 5’1″ (and a half, dammit) and currently weighing in at exactly 230 lbs. that’s like 100lbs less than my freaking motorcycle or 100lbs more than what i weighed just three years ago. it’s surreal. feeling spent just from trying to tie both my shoes in the morning, or almost dying just getting to the top of a steep hill while downtown. you know how you have an image in your head of what you look like? it’s unsettling to look in the mirror and see a stranger. one with big round rosy cheeks, and barely visible collar bones – hidden behind mounds of new flesh.

i went to weight watchers today. i felt all sorts of shame about it too. like it represents some sort of great defeat; i couldn’t help feeling like i was stealing away from work to go to an AA meeting. the crummy part of course being i can’t simply (and i don’t mean it’s simple by any means) abstain from food like folks do from alcohol. but i sure wish i could. i’ve quit other bad habits cold turkey before – i’m really really good at that. but looking over the source of joy and comfort (namely all sorts of wonderfully fatty, cheesy, bready things) to settle on the healthy and nutritious (namely hard, crunchy, boring veggie, meat, low fat type things) for me is tantamount to climbing mt. everest, or hell – even just queen anne hill.

wish me luck folks.

b.


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